Counselor's Corner
Have you ever played the game Telephone? You sit in a circle with a group of people and one person whispers a phrase to the person next to him or her. Then, each person keeps whispering the phrase around the circle until it reaches the last person, who repeats the whispered statement out loud. What started out as “Pizza tastes great” can end up as “Pete’s a great ape!”
It’s funny to laugh at how twisted the sentence became as it got passed around. Gossip can work the same way, but it’s not so funny. In fact, it can be very hurtful. Have you ever gossiped or been gossiped about? Unfortunately, gossip is a large part of my daily work. In the past couple of months the rumor mill has been hard at work, I feel for the victims of the Queen bee syndrome. We all have brushed (including myself) some of this off, as almost, a right of passage to go through.We’ve all experienced and moved on past it. In reality, not everyone moves past it and it shapes the way we think and feel and react to future relationships.
Talk Versus Gossip
Talking is how you spread your thoughts, ideas, and experiences to people around you. It’s not always wrong to talk about other people. There’s nothing wrong with telling your friends, “I like hanging out with Jake. He tells the funniest stories!” Those words don’t hurt anyone.
But when you say mean things, tell stories that you’re not sure are true, or reveal information you know is supposed to remain private, you’re spreading gossip. What if you saw funny Jake go into the principal’s office and you started wondering if he was in trouble. There’s nothing wrong with wondering that, but what if you started telling other people you think Jake’s in big trouble. You really don’t know why he was in the principal’s office, right?
But before you know it, everyone is talking about how Jake is in trouble and imagining why. Maybe he put his rubber snake in the teacher’s desk, someone says. Maybe he punched a kid who didn’t laugh at one of his jokes, another person suggests. Jake doesn’t come back to class for a long time, but when he does, everyone wants to know what happened in the principal’s office.
Jake might be a little angry or confused about all the questions, especially when he explains, “I went to the principal’s office because my mom was there to take me to a doctor appointment.”
That’s how rumors work. They start small and often blow up into something different from the truth.
What If It’s True?
Even if it was true that Jake was in big trouble - and you knew it for a fact - it wouldn’t have been right to tell everyone about it. Try to avoid talking about stuff that would embarrass another person. Before you blab, try this test: Ask yourself if you would want other people to know that kind of stuff about you.
Sometimes a friend will admit something to you and ask you not to tell anyone else. It can be hard not to share a secret, especially when it’s something you really want to talk about with other friends. Maybe you don’t even understand why the person wants you to keep the information a secret.
When It’s OK to Tell
Of course, sometimes it’s OK to talk about another person, especially if it involves dangerous behavior. What if a classmate brings a pocketknife to school or your friend tells you she’s not eating until she loses 10 pounds? In cases like that, you need to tell a parent or another trusted adult. Telling a grown-up who can help is not gossiping.
Gossip Busters
The best way to avoid being a part of the gossip mill in your school is to steer clear of kids who gossip. If you happen to hear a rumor, don’t repeat it - and don’t listen to it either. And when someone trusts you with a personal secret, keep it to yourself.
If you’re the victim of gossip, know that this happens to a lot of people. Talking to a close friend, sister, brother, parent, or guidance counselor can help you feel better.
At first, gossip might seem like fun. It can feel like a private little club with you and your friend whispering about another person. But if someone gossips with you, he or she also might gossip about you. And it doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end. Stick with friends who would rather live their own fun lives than talk about someone else’s!
Raising Confident Kids
It takes confidence to be a kid. Whether going to a new school or stepping up to bat for the first time, kids face a lot of uncharted territory. Naturally, parents want to instill a can-do attitude in their kids so that they’ll bravely take on new challenges and, over time, believe in themselves. While each child is a little different, parents can follow some general guidelines to build kids’ confidence.
Self-confidence rises out of a sense of competence. In other words, kids develop confidence not because parents tell them they’re great, but because of their achievements, big and small. Sure, it’s good to hear encouraging words from mom and dad. But words of praise mean more when they refer to a child’s specific efforts or new abilities. Building self-confidence can begin very early. When babies learn to turn the pages of a book or toddlers learn to walk, they are getting the idea “I can do it!” With each new skill and milestone, kids can develop increasing confidence.
Parents can help by giving kids lots of opportunities to practice and master their skills, letting kids make mistakes and being there to boost their spirits so they keep trying. Respond with interest and excitement when kids show off a new skill and reward them with praise when they achieve a goal or make a good effort.
With plentiful opportunities, good instruction, and lots of patience from parents, kids can master basic skills — like tying their shoes and making the bed. Then, when other important challenges present themselves, kids can approach them knowing that they have already been successful in other areas.
Stay on the Sidelines
Of course, supervision is important to ensure that kids stay safe. But to help them really learn a new skill, it’s also important not to hover. Give kids the opportunity to try something new, make mistakes, and learn from them.
For instance, if your son wants to learn how to make a peanut butter sandwich, demonstrate, set up the ingredients, and let him give it a try. Will he make a bit of a mess? Almost certainly. But don’t swoop in the second some jelly hits the countertop. In fact, avoid any criticism that could discourage him from trying again. If you step in to finish the sandwich, your son will think, “Oh well, I guess I can’t make sandwiches.”
But if you have patience for the mess and the time it takes to learn, the payoff will be real. Someday soon he’ll be able to say, “I’m hungry for lunch, so I’m going to make my own sandwich.” You might even reply, “Great, can you make me one, too?” What a clear sign of your faith in his abilities!
Offer Encouragement and Praise
Sometimes, it won’t be you swooping in when your child falters, but your child giving up. Help by encouraging persistence in the midst of frustration. By trying again, kids learn that obstacles can be overcome.
Once kids reach a goal, you’ll want to praise not only the end result but also their willingness to stick with it. For instance, after your son has mastered making that peanut butter sandwich you might show your confidence by saying, “Next time, want to learn how to crack an egg?” Sandwich-fixing and egg-cracking might not seem like huge achievements, but they’re important steps in the right direction — toward your child’s independence.
Throughout childhood, parents have chances to prepare kids to take care of themselves. Sure, it’s great to feel needed, but as kids steadily gain confidence and independence, their relationship with you can be even richer. You can be bonded, not just by dependence, but by love and shared pride in all they’ve achieved. Eventually, your grown-up kids just might say thanks for how prepared they feel for the road ahead — a road they can take with confidence.
Have you ever lost your temper? Did you yell and scream or want to hit someone? Maybe your little brother got into your room and played with your toys without permission. Or maybe your teacher gave you too much homework. Or maybe a friend borrowed your favorite video game and then broke it. That made you angry! Everyone gets angry. Maybe you “lose your cool” or “hit the roof.” Anger can even be a good thing. When kids are treated unfairly, anger can help them to stand up for themselves. The hard part is learning what to do with these strong feelings.
What Is Anger?
You have lots of emotions. At different times, you may be happy, sad, or jealous. Anger is just another way we feel. It’s perfectly OK to be angry at times — in fact, it’s important to get angry sometimes. But anger must be released in the right way. Otherwise you’ll be like a pot of boiling water with the lid left on. If the steam doesn’t escape, the water will finally boil over and blow its top! When that happens to you, it’s no fun for anyone.
What Makes You Angry?
Many things may make kids angry. You may get angry when something doesn’t go your way. Maybe you get mad at yourself when you don’t understand your homework or when your team loses an important game. When you have a hard time reaching a goal you might become frustrated. That frustration can lead to anger. Kids who tease you or call you names can make you angry. Or you might get angry with your parents if you think one of their rules is unfair. Worst of all is when you are blamed for something you didn’t do. But it’s also possible to get angry and not even know why.
How Can I Tell When I’m Angry?
There are different ways people feel anger. Usually your body will tell you when you are angry. Are you breathing faster? Is your face bright red? Are your muscles tense and your fists clenched tight? Do you want to break something or hit someone? Anger can make you yell or scream at those around you, even people you like or love. Some people keep their anger buried deep inside. If you do this, you might get a headache or your stomach might start to hurt. You may just feel crummy about yourself or start to cry. It’s not good to hide your anger, so you should find a way to let it out without hurting yourself or others.
How Can I Tell When Someone Else Is Angry?
When someone you know is angry, he or she may stomp away or stop talking to you, or become quiet and withdrawn. Some people scream and try to hit or harm anyone close by. If a person is this angry, you should get away as soon as possible. Once you are away from the angry person, stop and think. Try to figure out what made that person so angry. Can you make the situation better? How does the other person feel? When the other person has cooled down, try to talk about the problem. Listen to what he or she has to say.
What Should I Do If I Get Angry?
Don’t lose control if you get angry. Taking it out on others never solves anything. Instead, admit to yourself that you are angry and try to figure out why. What can you do to keep the situation from happening again? If your little sister gets a toy and you don’t, it’s not OK to break that toy, perhaps you can ask if she will share it with you. Or if your science homework is too hard, don’t rip up your notebook. Ask your teacher or a parent for help instead. It helps to talk about your anger with an adult, such as a parent, teacher, or relative. Once you talk about anger, those bad feelings usually start to go away.
Anger Busters
Here are some other things you can do when you start to feel angry:
• talk to a friend you can trust
• count to 10
• get or give a hug
• do jumping jacks or another exercise
• draw a picture of your anger
• play a video game
• run around the outside of the house five times as fast as you can
• sing along with the stereo
• pull weeds in the garden
• think good thoughts (maybe about a fun vacation or your favorite sport)
• take a bike ride, go skateboarding, play basketball — do something active!
Never getting angry is impossible. Instead, remember that how you act when you're angry can make the situation better or worse. Don’t let anger be the boss of you. Take charge of it!
Blow up a building. Outrun the police. Shoot at the guys behind you. Break the jerk’s nose that called you a name.
These aren’t exactly the kinds of things most of us set out to teach our kids. Yet every time our children spend time either watching such violence on television, or perpetrating it on a videogame, it’s what they’re learning. Over the last three decades, research has shown that exposure to media portrayals of violence increases aggressive behavior in children. In fact, the National Institute of Mental Health has reported, “In magnitude, exposure to television violence is as strongly correlated with aggressive behavior as any other behavioral variable that has been measured.” In other words, playing Call of Duty or Ninja Garden II where children see graphic displays of combat and are allowed to upgrade their sword to kill bigger could be correlated with aggressive type behaviors seen in children”.
How does this happen? Through a process called “encoding.” Because violence in the media has little to no consequences, viewers become desensitized and fearful. They begin to identify with aggressors and the aggressors’ solutions to various problems. Since there are no healthy messages of problem solving techniques or coping skills, the viewer is more likely to act out aggressively in personal situations. In children, these results are more pronounced because adults understand what they see is not real, and can evaluate it as such. But children are so captured by the graphics and by winning or losing, that their evaluation process is minimal if it exists at all. Also, kids who play or watch violent media talk about violent media, making it a part of their lives. Therefore, the one hour of video games they are allowed to play is another three hours of discussion with friends.
Children and adolescents are exposed to more media depictions of violence than ever before, spanning such medium as television, film, music, online media, videogames, and printed material. This continual bombardment desensitizes children to the effects of violence, increases aggression, and helps to foster a climate of fear. Research has shown that children as young as 14 months model behaviors. Therefore pre-adolescent childhood is seen as the critical period where exposure to violence through the media can do lasting harm. Young viewers of violent programming can come to perceive the world as more violent than it really is, and a callous attitude toward violence can emerge.
While research is important, something closer to home shows the effects of violence on children. One of our very own Round Meadow parents began to feel that her child’s preoccupation with war-themed videogames was effecting his time at school, both academically and socially. So she and her husband decided to remove the violent games and replace them with a Wii system and more age-appropriate games. “Immediately,” she wrote to us in a letter, “we saw an improvement in his behavior at home.” With that influence gone, they noticed he had an interest in music and signed him up for music lessons. Equally as exciting was the change in his behavior at school. She says there’s been “a tremendous amount of growth in our child... his teacher reports ‘more concentration, creativity and an overall better attitude toward school.’” What parent wouldn’t want that kind of feedback?
As parents we strive to model something better than the crazed lunatic with explosives or the avenger slaughtering all the “bad guys.” We try to show our children how to solve problems and seek peaceful solutions. As much as possible, shouldn’t all influences in their lives be striving toward the same thing?
Holly Pike
School Counselor
Handling your Child’s Aggression
All kids play aggressively once in a while. Children are some of the most aggressive creatures on the planet at times because they’re frustrated by not having control, power, or the ability to say what they want. But just because this behavior is normal doesn’t mean parents should let it go. You need to help your child learn how to deal with his/her emotions in a more productive (and civilized!) way.
Anytime your child hits, pushes, shoves, or otherwise hurts someone else, be sure to:
Act promptly. As soon as you see (or feel!) your child bite or act aggressively, say, “No biting. Biting hurts.” Don’t bite your child back; it only reinforces aggressive behavior. Instead express to them that it hurts physically and emotionally.
Consider a time-out. If your child is older than 2, he/she can understand consequences -- a brief period of isolation can help them regain control. You can also try withholding a privilege, but only after they have understood the privilege has been taken because of how it hurt not just because they are in trouble.
Teach them to apologize. After his/her time-out, have your child say sorry to whomever they have hurt. At first, they’ll just be mimicking the words, but the more they do it, the better they’ll understand what it means to be sorry and why apologizing is worthwhile.
Provide a better way to express themselves. When they’ve calmed down, explain that you understand their frustration, then help your child express it. You might say, “You were angry, and that’s why you hit Jason. But no more hitting! Next time, tell him, ‘It makes me mad when you take my toys.’” Teach your child to say what they want, such as, “Please give my truck back now,” or “You can play with it when I’m done.”
Help them understand their feelings. If your child is 5 or older, ask how it feels when they are angry -- does their heart race or do they breathe faster? Show them how to take deep breaths, count to ten, or quietly sing a song so that the next time fury strikes, they can use the same calming techniques.
Preventing aggression
Children experiment with different behaviors. One day they may show that they’re mad by using their words; another day they may do it by knocking something off the table. To help them consistently speak up instead of lashing out:
Watch for warning signs. Many kids get frustrated when they’re tired, over-stimulated, or in a new environment. If your child tends to lose it at the end of a play-date, try making them shorter.
Balance negative messages. When your child makes his Batman action figure knock Mr. Freeze to the ground, ask why Mr. Freeze has to be killed and suggest that Batman take his/her nemesis to jail instead. Showing them behaviors will help him see that they, too, can choose to act differently.
Set aside one-on-one time. Some kids feel that they need to act up in order to be noticed. So give them the attention they crave by playing games together, and noticing good behavior whenever possible.
Keep your expectations real. Asking a toddler to always chew with his mouth closed or an older child to do all his homework in one sitting is a tall order. If your child simply can’t do what you’re asking, they may resort to anger to express his frustration.
Watch your own temper. If you shout and curse every time another driver cuts you off, why shouldn’t your child do the same when upset?
Hello Colts and welcome to the beginning of what is going to be a great school year. My name is Holly Pike and I am your school counselor. I am very excited to get to know everybody and join the Round Meadow community. I have been with the district for the past two years serving White Oak and Sumac elementary schools. As my third year begins, I am ready for new faces and challenges and welcome a new school. I will continue to share my time between White Oak and will be here at Round Meadow every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.
Now, here’s the question… What will I need to see the school counselor for?
Let’s say you’re sick of being bullied by another kid in your school — and who wouldn’t be? Or maybe the problem is that you’re about to go to middle school and you’re really nervous. Perhaps you just found out that your parents are getting divorced, or your dog just died, and you’re so upset that you can’t concentrate on anything else. You feel like you need to talk to someone about everything that’s going on. A great person to share your thoughts and feelings with is your school counselor.
Counselors Help You Cope
Add school counselors to the list of people you can turn to when you need help. They know how to listen and can help kids with life’s challenges. Counselors have special training in how to help kids solve problems, make decisions, and stand up for themselves. That doesn’t mean your counselor will wave a magic wand and the problem will go away. But it does mean he or she will help you cope with it. Coping is an important word to know. Sometimes, kids and grown-ups have difficult problems. Coping means that you are trying to handle these problems and make things better.
I am available for you and want to make your school experience the best it can be. The counselor’s job is to take your problem seriously and help you find strategies to continue to be successful here at school. I want to help you learn as much as you can in class, be a contributing member of the school community, and be a positive influence on your environment.
Dating in Elementary School?
An issue that has developed in elementary school is crushes and dating.
While this may seem cute and innocent it can create unneeded conflict for students. It is age appropriate to have feelings towards others in 4th and 5th grade. Many students are starting to act on these feelings and play out teenage dating relationships which is inappropriate. I am even beginning to see it as early as 1st and 2nd grade. Fantasy and pretend play is developmentally normal at this age. When it turns from play to drama is where the line is crossed. It can seem harmless however the repercussions of this are not.
One way this has been harmful is that teenagers are having boy/girl relationships and acting out all of the drama that goes along with it. Friends become jealous about the relationship and kids at this age are too young to know how to balance this dynamic. Relationship's create rumors, tears, fights, and break up friendships.
Parents can help by:
1. Talking to your kids about dating and the rules of dating in your home. You can't control what happens at school but you can discourage dates outside of school hours.
2. Be aware of who you child is talking to on the phone and what they are talking about. Kids are using electronics to communicate with each other.
3. Kids should learn appropriate ways of expressing their feelings so
that they are not deemed or labeled as sexual in nature or as sexual harassment.
4. When your kids have co ed playmates over for a play date be aware of
the intent of the play date.
5. Monitor what your child is watching. Many of the television shows, movies, and video games geared at children are not really suitable for them and the content is much older. Kids mimic these shows, so educate your child on dating.
6. Discourage boy/girl party's if the intent is dating not because they are friends.
Remember you are your child's most important role model
Balancing parental information with outside influences
In order to help children interpret the information they get from the media and other outside sources, parents need to talk with them about the difficult issues they will confront throughout their lives. By taking a proactive stance and initiating discussion of tough issues such as aggression, violence, sexual activity, substance abuse, we let our children know that we care about what happens to them and capitalize on our ability to be a more powerful influence than other sources. Proactive parents also listen to their children; really hear their views and beliefs, even if they differ from their own. Parents, who approach their children and establish good connections and communication, send the message that no topic is too trivial or threatening to hear, and have children who continue to turn to them. Parents also help children develop independent thinking by encouraging the development of problem-solving skills. Having children take steps to define problems calmly, generate alternative responses, choose among those alternatives, and review the outcome has proved to be a valuable strategy, even for young children. Children who are taught to use this approach are more likely to be successful with friends, in school and when confronted with new situations.
LVUSD Elementary School Counselors
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